♪♪ [ Soft Rock ]
[ Woman ] ♪ There she goes [ No Audible Dialogue ]
♪ Lovely from her head on down to her toes ♪
♪ Just like a wildflower
♪ See her smile
♪ Laughing like a happy-go-lucky child ♪
♪ Lost in a game for hours
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
♪ Life is crazy
♪ A little hazy
♪ But somehow so amazing
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
♪ You tell yourself you're fine ♪
♪ But that's a fine, fine line ♪
♪ 'Cause life is crazy
♪ Silly girl
♪ Upside down and right side up ♪
♪ In a whirl
♪ Out on a limb again
♪ But now and then
♪ She tosses up her hands and faces the wind ♪
♪ Ready to shed her skin
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
♪ Life is crazy
♪ A little hazy
♪ But somehow so amazing
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh
♪ You tell yourself you're fine ♪
♪ But that's a fine, fine line ♪
♪ 'Cause life is crazy
♪ Whoa-oh, life is crazy ♪
[ Man ] Sarah, I... love you.
Think about the fact that we've been together now for almost a year...
and we still haven't really discussed our future.
I love you.I love you too.
[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh.
That'll be my date.
I really hate this.I know.
I'm sorry. It's just for tonight.
[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh, I've gotta finish getting dressed.
Do you mind getting that for me?
I hate this a lot.
H-Hi. Uh, is Miss Sarah Goldman--
Yeah, come on in.Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Oh, I'm Robert Schroeder.Chris Kringle.
I'm sorry?
Yeah, it's like Santa Claus.Oh.
Gonna know whether I'm naughty or nice? [ Chuckles ]
Yes, I will.
Is Miss Gold--She's getting dressed.
Ah, thank you.
Is this even legal what you do? Oh, absolutely.
We're licensed by the state. This isn't like picking up a phone book...
and dialing a 24-hour service.
No, no, no, no, no. Most of our clientele are elderly women...
who just want a hand to hold on to when they go to the opera or the ballet or something.
Oh, in fact, I went to the opera last night.
Tristan und Isolde. It was great!
Have you seen it?No, I can't say that I have.
Oh. Well, it was great.
It was long,
but great.
You do this a lot?
Oh, well, let's see. Counting last night, this would be my second job.
The only requirements are: "Do you speak good English?" And "Do you own a tux?"
Beats waiting tables.
- So you're an actor. - Yes! Yes.
I'm an actor, yes.Okay.
- What do you do? - I'm in advertising.
Oh, do you write copy?
No. I'm an account supervisor.
Oh. Well, great.
Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Hi. I'm Sarah.
I'm Bob.I'm outta here.
I'll call you later.
You sure you wanna do this?
I'll call you as soon as the coast is clear.
You sure you don't want me to--No.
I love you.I know.
I really hate this.I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later.
All right, I'm going. Good-bye.It was nice meeting you.
Huh.
Bye. Bye.
So, hi.Hi. You have a wonderful apartment here.
Thanks. We have to go.Oh, okay.
Where we going?Uh, my parents' house.
- Oh. What's the occasion? - It's my father's birthday.
Oh, geez. I wish I would have known. I would have brought him a present or something.
- Oh, I got him something from both of us. - Okay.
I'm just really behind schedule, so let's go.
Sorry.
Can I ask you a question?Sure. What?
Well, I was just wondering, why did you hire an escort service? You and Chris seem pretty--
Oh, we are. We are, basically. But, um--
Well, my family doesn't know about it. I mean, they did at first,
but my parents were so unhappy about it, it just--
Why? He seems like a nice guy.He is! He is!
But, uh, he isn't Jewish.
Hop in.Would you like me to drive? You seem a little--
Oh, no, thank you. I'm fine.
Oh, wait a second. Uh--
So, what, are your parents, like, Orthodox?Oh, no.
No. They just-- They want what's best for their children,
which translated means I should only date someone Jewish.Oh.
Which, you know, Chris obviously is not. So--
We've been seeing each other on the sly for the past six months.
Wow.I know.
[ Seat Belt Clicks ]
Sure you don't want me to drive?No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine.[ Tires Screech ]
[ Tires Screech ]
I really don't mind driving.Oh, that's okay. I just have to pick up a bottle of wine.
This whole thing is so stupid, but my parents--
Well, you know. They're my parents.
My father-- He was sick last year.
My mother has been so tense. I just-- I can't give them any grief right now.
The worst of it was after I told them that I'd stopped seeing Chris,
they assumed I wasn't seeing anybody, so my mother kept trying to fix me up...
with all these sons of friends and relatives--
and I don't know-- strangers she'd meet on the street.
I don't know where she found these guys, but my mother is determined to make me happy...
whether I like it or not.
So, anyway, a few months ago, just so they'd feel better, I told them--
I said, "I've started seeing someone."
I just invented a boyfriend.
Ah. Oh, and that's--
Yeah, right.
[ Groans ]
Wow.
[ Cash Register Beeping ]
I thought about asking a friend of mine to be my stand-in beau for the evening,
but frankly, I'm too embarrassed for anyone I know to know about it.
So, I called your agency.
You must think this is extremely weird.
Well, I must admit, I expected you to be a little old lady who needed a dinner companion.
But this would have been my second guess.
Let's go.I really don't mind driving.
Oh! La--
Listen, uh, my father's name is Abe.
He owns a couple of men's clothing stores.
My mother's name is Miriam. But I think you should just call them Mr. and Mrs. Goldman.
Uh, my brother will be there too. He's a psychologist.
He has two children. He's divorced. Uh--
You and I have been dating since January. We met at the wedding of my best friend--
Marilyn Dittenfass.
You think you can remember that?
Y-Yeah, I guess.
Uh, only-- Wow.
Um--What?
Well, you know, I think I can handle it.
It's just, I was thinking, you know, with your parents and all,
maybe it'd be better if you hired somebody that... is Jewish.
You're Jewish.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your last name's Schroeder. That's a Jewish name.
Not to me. My father's Polish and my mother's Italian.
Uh, no, no. I'm sorry. I specifically asked the agency...
for somebody Jewish.
Well, maybe they thought Schroeder was a Jewish name too.
Honest mistake.
Oh, no! I'm gonna die!
Maybe we could call the agency, see if they could find somebody else.
No, no. No, there's no time. We have to get in there!
Oh, no, I'm gonna die.Look, it's gonna be all right.
No, no, I'm gonna die. They'll find the body. You explain it.
No, no, Sarah, listen. I'm a good actor. I was gonna have to do some acting anyway.
- No. They-They'll know. - No, no, they won't. Look.
I once did a six-month tour of Fiddler on the Roof. Theodore Bikel thought I was Jewish.
No, no! They'll know. They'll know.
No, they won't know.They'll know.
They can spot a Jew a mile away. It's like radar.
Sarah, take a breath.
Come on.
Deep breath in. [ Inhales ]
And let it out. [ Exhales ]
One more time. Cleansing breath in.
And let it out. [ Moans ]
Okay, okay.
Let's do it.
Okay.All right.
Okay.Get in there.
Oh, we need--
[ Sarah Sighs, Mutters ]
Mom? Dad? We're here.
Hello.
Oh! Your name is David Steinberg.
Uh--
Hi, Daddy.Hello, baby.
This is?What?
Him?Oh!
Uh-- Uh, Daddy, this is David.
David, this is my father.
Mr. Goldman.How do you do? Come in.
Hi.Joel, hi.
[ Kisses Face ]
Hi.Hi.
Joel, this is David. David, Joel.
Let me take your coats.Sure.
Come on in. Sit down.
[ Sighs ]It's nice to meet you.
Oh, nice to meet you too, Doctor,Thank you.
Doctor?I forgot to tell you.
Sit down.
[ Chuckles ]
Well--Well--
I've heard a lot about you.I've heard a lot about you too, Doctor.
Oh, well, please, call me, uh, David.
David.So how are your children?
They're fine. Thank you.
You know, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to.Hmm.
It's a boy and girl, right?[ Clears Throat ]
Two boys? Two girls? Two boys.
Two boys.Two boys. Right.
And their names are?Daniel and Benjamin.
Daniel and Benjamin. Right.
Sarah talks about them all the time.She does?
- So, where's Mom? - Where's Mom?
She's in the kitchen. She's in the kitchen.
She's been in there for days.[ Laughs ]
I'll go get her.
Did you hear about Dad?No. What?
He's closing the South Side store.Why?
He got held up again.[ Gasps ]
What happened?Is he all right?
He's fine. But with the increase in insurance premiums, it's just not worth it anymore.
Did they catch the guy?They did. Turns out he was out on parole.
He's gonna be serving some serious time.
And Dad's all right?Dad is Dad.
I wish they would tell me these things.
Well-- You got him a present.
A tie.A tie. You know, we shopped and shopped.
And that's the best you could come up with, was a tie?
What did you get him?
I gave it a lot of thought.
And you got him?
A tie.
Hello! I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
Oh, hi, Mom.Hi, honey.
So, where is he?
Hi, Mrs. Goldman. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, my goodness.[ Laughs ]
So handsome![ Both Laugh ]
Well, what are you, Sephardic?
No, no. I'm Jewish.
Oh. I know what you mean. [ Laughs ]
So, why doesn't everyone sit down.
Let's sit.
Sit down.Thank you, sweetheart.
Listen to how he calls her "sweetheart."
Well, you know, ever since we met at Madeline's wedding--Marilyn.
Marilyn's wedding. I have felt like the luckiest man alive.
David, sweetheart, let's not go overboard. [ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ] Sarah, tonight I made you all your favorite foods.
You know, I even got you a challah from Katzman's Deli.
Katzman's is still surviving?Oh, they'll be there forever.
What happened to Katzman's?You know Katzman's?
Well, it's a long time ago, but they had this thing with the, uh--
[ Whispering ] with the salmonella.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. How could I forget?
[ Abe ] So, you, you're a doctor?
You know about these things. What causes that, uh-- that salmonella?
Oh. Uh, well, um, that's very interesting actually.
A lot of people don't know this,
but salmonella is caused by a rare bacteria that gets in the, um, salmon.
[ All Laughing ]
Sarah, your father made sure I made my special luchen kugel for you.
Oh.Oh, right.
Happy birthday, Mr. Goldman.
No. Pooh!
This special occasion is meeting you, David.
[ Laughs ] David, do you like luchen kugel?
Oh, every chance I get.
Because you've never tasted luchen kugel like my luchen kugel.
I'm sure of that.
- Well, are we gonna talk about it, or are we gonna eat it? - Let's eat.
- Let's eat.
[ Miriam ] Let's eat.
Joel.[ Abe ] You're in for it.
What, you couldn't bring the boys?It's not my weekend, Ma.
For a special occasion, you could bring the boys.
It's not my weekend.Yeah, I hope you'll bring them to my funeral.
God willing, it should be on your weekend.
Yeah, if we're lucky.
- [ Bob Chattering ] - [ Miriam Laughs ] I know.
Joel, you wanna open the wine?Oh, I'll do it.
No, no, Joel will do it.I don't mind.
Joel will do it.Joel will do it.
You have to save your beautiful hands for surgery.
Surgery? Oh, I'm a surgeon, aren't I?
Well, you never know when you're gonna have to operate, huh?
Do you wanna light the Shabbes candles?Yes, let's light the candles.
So, David, you're at what hospital?
Oh, uh, uh, didn't you tell them, sweetheart?
Yes, I did, sweetheart. I told you, Mother. David's at Northwestern Memorial.
Oh. Oh!
Do you know Dr. Frankel? My friend went to him for her hypertension.
Dr. Frankel?Yeah.
- Dr. Frankel? He's an older man, yes? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, if you're tense, especially if you're hypertense,
then there's no one better than Dr. Frankel.
- I know. - [ Sarah Laughs ]
Shall we?
[ Praying In Hebrew ]
- [ All ] Amein. - Joel, please say the hamotzi.
Oh.
[ Joel Praying In Hebrew ]
[ All ] Amein.
David, would you like to say the Baruch over the wine?
No! David doesn't wanna do it.
You-- You do it, Daddy.
You know, I don't mind. It would be my pleasure.
[ Praying In Hebrew ]
- Amein. - [ All ] Amein.
♪ To life, to life L'chaim ♪
[ Laughs ]
Let's eat.
David, we'd love to hear more about your work.
Mother, that's enough already.No, that's all right. I don't mind.
Yeah, I'd like to hear more about David's medical practice.
What kind of surgery do you do, David?Surgery?
Oh. Well, you know, um, whatever comes up.
Hearts, brains.[ Chuckles ]
Well, I hope you weren't that doctor who operated on my neighbor Sylvia Klein.
I don't believe so.That's good.
Because she died.
Who died?Sylvia Klein.
She didn't die.
Of course she died.
I don't think she died. What, have you talked to her lately?
I never talk to her. You talk to her.
Not anymore. She died!
- She didn't die. - You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, now I don't know what I'm talking about?
[ Miriam ] We made a condolence call, remember? When?
Last summer. We went to her daughter's house.
Remember the one with the mouth? She lives in Buffalo Grove.
- That was for Sylvia Klein? - Yes.
- What happened? - She died.
Can I have some more cake?Stop that!
Your-Your-Your veins are all clogged up.
It's my birthday!You're gonna kill yourself eating all that chazerai.
I'm not gonna kill myself. You wanna listen to my heart?Oh.
Uh, you know, I-I-I don't have my--
I left my black bag and stuff. So, sorry.
120 over 80. Perfect every time.
[ Bob ] That's wonderful.Yes, it's wonderful now.
Last summer, he had a T.I.A. It wasn't so "wonderful."
Oh, you had a T.I.A.?
[ Joel ] What is a T.I.A.?
T.I.A. stands for "transient ischemic attack."
And, uh, what causes that?
It's usually caused by a blockage in the carotid artery...
that supplies blood to the brain.Oh.
Studies have shown that an aspirin can help reduce the chance of a reoccurrence.
Did your doctor prescribe aspirin for you?One a day.
- That should be all right. What's your doctor's name? - Dr. Hayden. Highland Park.
Good man.
So, David, do you and Sarah have plans for the weekend?
Oh, you know, we hadn't really thought about it.Uh--
Sarah, on the radio tomorrow,
they're playing La Traviata with Renee Fleming.
Oh, I love La Traviata.You like the opera?
I love the opera. I went to the opera last night.
You didn't tell me you went to the opera last night.
Oh, no, I didn't go with Sarah. I went with my-- my aunt.
Oh. Well, who is your aunt?
Oh, you don't know her.Well, what's her name?
Her name? Her name is, uh, Sylvia Klein.
Another Sylvia Klein. The lightning strikes twice.
It's amazing, isn't it?Oh.
You know, I love the opera.
For 40 years, every Saturday afternoon,
I listened to opera from the Met.
But you never go?No.
Well, Abe wouldn't sit through it.
Well, I'll tell you what.Yeah?
It would be my honor to escort you to the opera sometime.
Really?I'll tell you what. I have a card right here--
Bob! Dave!
Dave Bob.Dave Bob.
It's a nickname.
My full name is David Robert Steinberg.
David Robert Steinberg.I go by either one.
Will you look at the time? It's-- It's late. We should get going.
Well, it's not that late, honey.
Daddy, you have to go to work tomorrow. You need your rest.
Well, let's take a picture before you go. I'll get the camera.
Mom, you always have to take pictures?Yes, I do.
When my children are together, it's special.
Come on, shorty. Now, David, you join her.
[ Bob ] Oh, really?Yes. Come on. Smush together.
[ Abe ] Get over there. Smush together, both of you.Kids, kids.
All right, smile. That's it.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
Okay, now one of the whole Goldman family.
- Oh, I hate to have my picture taken. - Come on, Ma.
Mrs. Goldman, get in there. You look beautiful.I don't like pictures.
Okay.
- Okay, everybody get in there. Get in there. - All right.
Give a smile.
One, two, three. [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
Perfect.
Now one of David and Sarah. Come on.
Mom, that's enough pictures.No!
Mom, that's enough pictures. Come on, honey. Just one picture.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. We hardly have any pictures of the two of us together.
Okay, get in close.
How close do you want us?
Depends what you mean by close. You want a pose.
Sure. Why not?
Oh.
Beautiful!
I'd like a copy of that one, please. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
Now, David, we want to see a lot more of you, so don't be a stranger.
Ah. Well, we'll see what we can do. It was very nice meeting you, Mrs. Goldman.
It was my extreme pleasure.
Mr. Goldman.Nice to meet you.
Joel, see you again.I will look forward to it.
All right. Good-bye.Good night.
You call me tomorrow. Sarah, you call me.Yes.
[ Bob ] Good-bye.Good night. Drive safely!
[ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ]
You could have told me I was a doctor.
[ Laughs ]
I can't believe I did that.I couldn't believe it. I almost lost it right there.
I'm so sorry. You were amazing.
Oh, I don't know. I don't think Joel was buying it.
No, he was. He was.He kept watching me.
He's a therapist. He does that to everybody.[ Sighs ]
You were just amazing.I just thought of all the doctor stuff I could think of.
How did you know what a T.I.A. is?
My father had a T.I.A. It was the only thing I would have known.
If they would have asked me how to stop a nosebleed, I would have been screwed.
- You were perfect. I was the one who almost lost it. - No, you were great.
The way you said the blessing over the wine, I-- I couldn't believe it.
I heard it doin'Fiddler. It was like an old song lyric comin' back to me.
I mean, you were absolutely brilliant.
I'll tell you one thing, this is definitely going in my diary.
[ Shuts Off Engine ]
Well--
Well, quite a night, huh?
Oh, let me just, um-- [ Purse Rustling ]
Oh, hey, listen. Don't worry about it. This one's on me.
Oh, no, don't be silly. You earned it.
Well, the pleasure was all mine.
The pleasure was mine... and my parents.
How should I make it out?
The Heaven-Sent Escort Agency.
I don't know how I'm gonna log this one in the books.
Can you get arrested for impersonating a Jew in this state?
Oh, hey, whoa. No, this is too much.
Oh, no, I insist. You earned it.
I just-- I wish I could give you an Academy Award to go with it.
I don't think there's a category for that.
You really saved my life tonight.
Glad to be of service.
Well--
Hey, listen, uh, if you know anyone that ever needs an escort service--
Oh, you will be highly recommended.
Thanks.
Oh. And don't forget. Tomorrow afternoon,
La Traviatafrom the Met.
Got it. [ Laughs ]
Well, it was nice meeting you.It was very nice meeting you.
Okay, um, good-bye.
Good-bye.
And thank you.
♪ L'chaim♪
♪ L'chaim♪♪
[ Clears Throat ]Hi.
Hi.
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
Share with Tom.
That's it.It's your mom.
What?[ Mouths Words ]
Why? Hello?
Sarah, he's so tall.
Why didn't you tell me he's so tall? He could be the Jewish Wilt Chamberlain.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
I called Joel. He called the caterer...
and they set an extra place for David.
Mmm, no.
Oh, how could you come to the bar mitzvah and not bring David, huh?
Call me.
[ Sighs ]
[ Muttering ]
Oh.
Uh--
[ Beeping ]
[ Muttering ]
[ Line Ringing ]
Bob!Sarah.
Hi! [ Laughs ]
How are you?Fine. How are you?
Fine, fine.
What are you doing on Saturday?
Sarah, listen. I already told the escort service...
that I've got another commitment.
I'll pay you double. Whatever else you're doing, I will pay you double.
That's not the point.No, off the books.
I'll pay you off the books. You won't even have to pay your commission.
Sarah, listen, I don't really have another commitment.
You lied?
Y-Yes.That's terrible.
How could you do that?
I-I don't like to lie. That's why I can't help you.
I don't wanna be Dr. David Steinberg again.
But you were so great.I don't know.
We pulled it off once. I don't think we can do it again.Sure, we can.
Of course we can.I don't know.
Oh, we can. We can.
Sarah, listen. I have an audition.I know.
I arranged it.
What?
I didn't know how to get in touch with you.
I have a friend who's a casting director here. She works with Chris.
I asked her if she had anything coming up that you'd be right for, and she did.
So I had her call your agent, so your agent would call you...
and... tell you to be here now.
This is crazy.Well, what do they say?
Desperation is the mother of invention.
But I thought the plan was for your parents to meet Dr. David Steinberg once,
and then they wouldn't ask to meet him again.
That was the plan.What happened?
Well, I was wrong.
Bob, uh-- I mean,
you don't know what I've been through this past week.
My mother-- She talks about you...
like, uh, you're a combination of Albert Schweitzer...
and Alan Alda.
Is Alan Alda Jewish?
Uh, part Jewish I think. I-I-- I don't know.
So did you really get me this audition?
Yes. Mm-hmm.
It's for a national spot.Well, that's good, right?
It's great, if I book it. I'm sure you will.
You're a-- You're a brilliant actor. You have so much talent.
You are. You are so talented.All right, all right.
You really think I'm brilliant?
Brando, Pacino, Schroeder.
[ Groans ] All right.
What's happening this Saturday?
Uh, my nephew's bar mitzvah.
Do we have to go to synagogue?Just for a couple of hours.
And we'll be in services, so you won't have to talk to anybody.
Do I have to do anything special?No, no, not at all.
The rabbi tells you when to stand up and when to sit down.
Just when you stand up, you can bob up and down a little bit...
to make it look like you're praying.
What time?I'll pick you up about 9:00.
Are you allowed to drive on Saturday?
We're Jew-ish. We're not that Jewish.
[ Laughs ]This is the last time, right?
Bob, this is the last time. I promise.
Good Shabbes.Good Shabbes.
Oh! You know, the service is just about to begin.
Good Shabbes.Good Shabbes.
Good Shabbes. It's so good to see you.Good to see you too.
Baby.Oh. Good Shabbes.
Good Shabbes.We are so happy you're here.
You were able to take off from the hospital.
Yeah. I just told them to make sure nobody was sick while I was gone.
Good Shabbes.Good Shabbes.
Sarah, this is the dress you wore?Hmm?
You bought me this dress.Ten years ago.
It wasn't ten years ago. I thought you liked this dress.
For Danny's bar mitzvah, you could buy a new dress.
Mom, I don't need a new dress.Sarah, you need a new dress.
I got new shoes.Those are new shoes?
Yeah.Eh, they're nice.
Are you coming in? He's gonna be 14 soon.
All right, we're coming. Let's go.
♪♪ [ Singing In Hebrew ]
Oh, mazel tov. Mazel tov.Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.Thank you.
Thank you.Thank you.
I just got here. The traffic was a mess. Mazel tov.Thank you.
♪♪ [ Continues ]
Sarah! You look beautiful.[ Laughs ]
How are you, darling?Thank you. Hi. How are you?
So, where's the doctor?
Oh. David, this is my Aunt Ceil.
[ Gasps ] So nice to meet you.Hello, Aunt Ceil.
It's nice to meet you too.Such a looker.
♪♪ [ Continues ]
♪♪ [ Ends ] All rise.
It's a good thing you're not Catholic.Why?
If you were, we'd be going to hell.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Miriam ] What are you talking about?
He can't possibly work all the time.
What? He's the only doctor there?
Yeah, they can't possibly make him work on Pesach.
I never heard of such a thing!
Call me tomorrow.
Happy anniversary.Oh.
Thank you.
You have to go. You have a plane to catch.
Could you at least open it first?Yeah.
[ Snaps Fingers ]Bam.
What is this?Mm-hmm.
That is a portable global positioning system.
Covers all of North America, including Alaska and Hawaii.
Plus, it's an MP3 player.
I've already programmed all the songs, so all you do is plug it into your car stereo system,
and it'll play Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits--
And it'll display a map for how to get from here-- your place-- to my place.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.Yeah? Right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything.
All I want for our anniversary is for us to be together.
Chris, please.
I'm gonna call you every day from L.A.
You don't have to call me every day.Do you know what I wish?
What?Do you really wanna know what I wish?
What?
I wish we could go somewhere together, just to like a tropical location somewhere.
Somewhere exotic and just eat coconuts and sea anemones or something.
Just like that?Just like that.
Just leave work?Leave work!
Give up your accounts, sell your car?
You know what else we could do? You could just tell your parents about us.
You could say, "Parents, Chris and I love each other and wanna be together forever.
And if you don't like it, you can just lump it."
Or don't say "lump it" 'cause they're your parents.
But I can have Bruce or somebody help you with the copy.
You're pressuring me, Chris. Don't pressure me. I'm under enough pressure.
I have to do the seder tonight, and my whole family's coming over. It's--
And Bob?
And-And Bob.Aha!
Don't say "aha."I knew it!
No, don't say "aha." There's no reason to say "aha."
[ Tapping Foot ]
I really hate this.I know.
Look, Chris, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You have to go!Yeah, I know I have to go.
I have to leave town and work while my stand-in gets to do all the fun bits.
The fu-- Chris, come on. This is not fun.
I love you.
Go. Go.
[ Engine Starts ]
I don't think we should do this.What are you talking about?
I just don't think we can get away with it again.
They're gonna be here in a minute!I know. Look.
Can't you just tell them I had a medical emergency come up?
I told them that last night.
I told them that you had heart and brain surgery to do.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
Bob, please.
I just don't think we can get away with this again.
Oh, we can! We can! Just this one more time.
You should have seen my mother last night.
She was so heartbroken when I told her you couldn't come to her seder,
she set a place for you anyway.
It was so pitiful.
I mean, there was a cup of wine for the prophet Elijah,
and gefilte fish for you.
Well, I guess...
at least one of us should show up for dinner tonight.
Thank you.
Just this one more time. I promise.
- Thanks for messaging over that Haggadah. - Oh, you're welcome.
Um, did you have a chance to look at it?I-- I did.
- I'm not too clear on the order of what happens when. - Oh, just watch me.
Everything's announced before we do it anyway.
Do you guys really drink four glasses of wine?Uh--
Depending on how closely my father decides to follow the scripts.
You guys must get really wasted then.
Well, it's one of our festive holidays. Don't I look festive?
[ Doorbell Rings ]Are you ready?
On with the show.
Sarah.Hi.
[ Gasps ] David.Mrs. Goldman.
[ Laughs ] Gut Yontif.
Right back at ya. I'm sorry I missed dinner last night.
Well, we missed you more.Mmm.
[ Gasps ] Look at that. Oh.
Mr. Goldman.How do you do, B.D.?
Joel.Oh, hello.
How are ya?How'd that heart and brain surgery go?
Oh. Well, that was something.Oh?
They-They brought this guy in. There was blood everywhere.
And they had the surgeons and-- You ever seen E.R.?
Uh, yeah.It was just like that.
[ Laughs ] Everybody wanna sit down?
We'll start.
Sarah, this is such a beautiful table.Oh, thanks, Mom.
Joel, you couldn't bring the boys?
I brought them to your house last night,
and Barbara has them at her parents' tonight.
What, they make a seder?I don't know.
Joel, the boys need to be at a seder tonight.
I don't know if they're doing a seder.Well, call and ask.
I'm not gonna call them.Joel.
You know, I just remembered. They're doing a seder there tonight. All right?
All right. All right.
Abe, why don't you start?
Open the Haggadah. First we'll do a kiddush.
[ All Praying In Hebrew ]
Amein. Amein.
[ Sighs ]
Next we do thekarpas. Parsley. Everybody take some parsley.
[ All Praying In Hebrew ]
Amein. Amein.
Next, theafikoman. Give me the matzo.
David, would you and Sarah steal the afikoman?
Uh, uh, maybe.
Next-- [ Pager Beeping ]
Oh, uh, excuse me. I'm sorry. That's my pager.
I'm on call.On Pesach?
I'm sorry. I hope it's not too serious.
I'm gonna have to call in. Please, go on without me.
No, no, no. We'll wait. We'll wait. Make your call. We'll wait for the doctor.
- [ Bob ] Excuse me. - We'll wait.
[ Line Ringing ]
This is Dr. David Steinberg. Did somebody page me?
This is when you wanted me to call you, right?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, dear. Just give me a sec.
I'm sorry.
It is serious.You don't have to go, do you?
David, please. Don't have to go.
This is Dr. Steinberg.You can get out of there now, right?
- I'd really rather not commit. - You are one nutty kind of guy.
Well, who's the resident that's on call?
That should be fine. If you have any problems, feel free to call me.
Rhubarb, rhubarb, peas and carrots--
Now, look! I told you that the resident on call is fine.
This is a very sacred holiday for my people.
And I'm gonna celebrate it with my loved ones.
It's all right. It's all right.
Okay. Good-bye.
Toodles.
[ Alarm Sounding On TV ]
So, are we gonna take it from the top,
or are we gonna pick up where we left off?
No, we can-- we can pick up where we are. Daddy?
- Next, the four questions. Who does the four questions? - Sarah.
Can we skip the four questions? Skip the four questions.
David, when Sarah was a little girl, she loved to ask the four questions.
Mother. No.
Even when she was so little she couldn't even say the words.
But she knew it was something important.
Her little eyes would be wide open, taking it all in.
She was always so helpful. Hmm?
And we'd say, "Sarah, ask the four questions."
And she'd sing "Happy Birthday" instead.
She was so adorable.
That's a great story.
Don't encourage her. She'll bring out baby pictures.
That reminds me of a story of when I was a kid growing up.
- Oh, does it? - When I was a little boy,
I grew up in a neighborhood with a couple of gentile families.
I remember my little gentile friends talking about Santa Claus bringing 'em presents.
And one Passover, I asked my father,
"If Elijah comes, will he bring presents like Santa Claus?"
And my father said, "If Elijah comes, he'll bring the greatest present of all--
peace."
And I said, "If Santa Claus brings presents every year for my friends,
when will Elijah bring his present?"
And my father said, "We don't know,
"but we hope he'll come soon.
That's what we Jews do. We hope."
[ Sighs ]
That's beautiful.
- That's a beautiful story. - That is so beautiful!
[ Sniffles ]
You know, I heard a story just like that on the radio today.
No! I did.
David, would you do the four questions?
Oh. Why, yes. [ Clears Throat ]
"Why is this night different from all other nights?"
Need we ask?
"For on all other nights, we eat either leavened or unleavened bread.
"Why on this night only unleavened bread?
"On all other nights, we eat all kinds of herbs.
"Why on this night only bitter herbs?
"On all other nights, we need not dip our herbs even once.
"Why on this night must we dip them twice?
"On all other nights, we eat either sitting up or reclining.
Why on this night do we all recline?"
Good questions.
"We were slaves.
Then we were free." Let's eat.
Abe, read a little more. Come on.
Next, the matzo. Give me the matzo.
Thank you.
"This matzo which we eat-- What is the reason for it?
"Because the dough of our fathers had not yet leaven,
"When the king over all kings, the holy one,
"blessed be he,
"revealed himself to them and redeemed them.
"As it is said:
"And they baked unleavened cakes of the dough,
"which they brought forth out of Egypt,
"for it was not leavened.
"Because they were thrust out of Egypt and could not tarry,
neither had they prepared for themselves any victuals."
Joel, will you read?
"These bitter herbs we eat-- What is the reason for them?
"Because the Egyptians made the lives of our forefathers bitter in Egypt.
"As it is said:
"And they made their life bitter with hard service in mortar and in brick,
"and in all manner of service in the fields in all their service,
wherein they made them serve with rigor."
David?
[ Bob ] "In every generation, let each man look on himself...
"as if he came forth out of Egypt.
"As it is said:
"And thou shalt tell thy son in that day...
"saying, '‘It is because of that which the lord did for me...
"when I came forth out of Egypt.'
"Therefore, we are bound to thank,
"praise, laud, glorify,
"exalt, honor, bless, extol...
"and adore him who performed all these miracles...
"for our fathers and for us.
"He has brought us from slavery to freedom,
"from sorrow to joy,
"from mourning to holiday,
"from darkness to great light...
and from bondage to redemption."
Wow.
"Let us then recite before him a new psalm.
Hallelujah."
Good night.[ Horn Honks ]
Night.Drive safely.
Oh. Oh.
[ Groans ]
I'm exhausted.
We made it. Relax.
"Relax." What a concept.
Tense times, huh?
No. No, no. I've always been tense.
When I was in high school, I went out for the swim team,
and they used me for the diving board.[ Laughs ]
That's funny.
Well, you were brilliant--Mmm--
Again.It was so funny...
the way your dad whipped through the Haggadah.
Yeah.
My father has a very particular view of life.
You know, he treats business matters religiously,
and religious matters like business.Hmm.
I-- Can I get you anything?No, I'm fine.
Something to express my appreciation?
[ Chuckles ]Can I buy you a drink?
Can I-- Can I buy you a car?
Actually, when I was a kid,
after a school performance or something like that,
my mother would take me to get ice cream.
Oh! Oh, well, I'd-- I'd be delighted to buy you some ice cream.
Are you allowed to have ice cream on Passover?
Uh--
If I'm not mistaken, both Ben and Jerry are Jewish.
[ Laughs ] Perfect.
- What can I get for you? - I'll have a cup of Cherry Garcia...
- with lots of cherries, please. - And for you?
I'll have a scoop of chocolate with chocolate syrup.
Can I get sprinkles?
[ Laughing ] Yes. You can get sprinkles.
And sprinkles.You got it.
So where'd you get that beeper? That was pretty clever.
Yeah, I borrowed it from a buddy of mine...
that does a lot of commercial work,
and I had a friend call me in case I needed an excuse to leave early.
Well, thank you for not leaving.
I'm glad I stayed.Me too.
Here you go.
So, is there a blessing for the ice cream?
Cheers.
L'chaim.
So, have you always wanted to be an actor?
It's all I've ever wanted to do.
What do you do?I teach kindergarten.
Kindergarten! [ Laughs ]
I remember kindergarten. I used to get straight A's in sandbox.
[ Laughs ] Oh, really?Mm-hmm.
Oh, I have one little boy who loves to play in the sandbox.
His father is an architect.
He hires the other children to build sand castles for him.
[ Both Laugh ]Let me take that for you.
So, kindergarten, huh?
Do you like it?Do I like it?
You sound like my mother-- She always says,
"Sarah is so smart, they should let her teach a higher grade."
[ Both Laugh ]
Do you want to sit down?Sure.
Great.[ Both Chuckle ]
Anyway--
But yes. Kindergarten is my preference.Mm-hmm.
I don't have to spend all my time on academics.
I can give the children more individual attention.
Work on their emotional development,
so maybe they won't end up as screwed up as the rest of us.
Think we're all screwed up?I don't know.
I look at the children in my classroom, and they're so open.
They're so free.
I don't remember ever being that free.
Well, what would make you feel free?
If I could do one thing that was just for me,
without worrying how my parents will feel about it,
that would be--
Wow.
I think your parents are great.I do too.
I love my parents.
They've sacrificed their whole life for me,
and they expect me to sacrifice my whole life for them.
Remember that story I told?
The one that was on the radio?Yeah.
Yeah. I wish my father was like that.
We never really got along. He hated the idea that I wanted to be an actor.
We used to have these awful drag-down, beat-out arguments.
Hmm.
You wanna hear something wild?
After each one of these arguments,
the very next time I saw him...
he'd have bought me a new pair of shoes.
Just like that. He'd go, "Here you go. Here's some shoes."
Hmm.It used to drive me crazy.
I could never figure it out. Why shoes?
Then it occurred to me...
that that was his way of saying,
no matter what, that he loved me,
and everything was gonna be okay.
But, boy, you should have seen my closet.
I had one suit and 21 pairs of wing tips.
[ Both Laugh ]
So where's your father?
Both my parents are dead.
Oh. Um, I-I-- I'm so sorry.
And, um, that's why I envy you.
The only family I really have...
are the people I'm working with on a show at any given time.
My life is very transitory.
Um, you know, I was gonna tell you,
a woman I went to school with is a director with the Milwaukee Rep.
Have you ever worked there?No, but I'd like to.
I'll tell her to look out for you.
I appreciate it.
It's my pleasure.
I'd-- I'd like to see you perform.
You already have.
In a show.
I'm in between engagements right now.
Will you let me know when you're in something?Definitely.
I-I'd really love to come see you.
I'm very good.I-I'm sure you are.
[ Laughing ]I'm sure you are.
Well, um--
We should, uh, probably go.
Yeah. Let's-- Sure.
[ Sighs ]Let's, uh, head back to my apartment.
I just have to grab my checkbook.Oh, no, no, no.
Sarah, seriously, I can't.
No, I have to pay you.No, you don't.
You allowed me to spend Passover with you and your family,
and it was wonderful.
Are you sure?Absolutely.
Well, thank you. [ Laughs ]Thank you...
for the dinner and the ice cream.
I don't think I'm gonna be hungry till next Tuesday.
Well, um--
Oh. One thing I wanted to ask you--What?
That first night--
when we were at my parents'...
and my father took our picture,
and you kissed me--
Yeah?
Was that a David kiss,
or... a Bob kiss?
That was a David kiss.
Oh.
This is a Bob kiss.
[ Chuckles ]
Listen, I escorted a nice elderly lady...
to the theater last night.
May I...
sometime...
escort you to the theater?
I would like that.
Great.
Well, then, um, I'll call you next week.
Okay.Okay.
Why don't I call you tomorrow?
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Why don't I call you when I get home?
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Why don't we just talk about it right now?
Why don't we just hang out for a while?
Yeah.
You're not Jewish.
Oy!
♪♪ [ Dance-pop Beat ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Woman ] ♪ There's a phrase that's blowin' past my door ♪
♪ And it's bringin' change like I have never known before ♪
♪ It used to be
♪ That when it rained it poured ♪
♪ Not anymore So give me more ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free to jump
♪ I'm free to fall
♪ Free to let it roll away when I drop the ball ♪
♪ I'm not ashamed
♪ To break down and cry
♪ So come on, precaution
♪ Take a step aside
♪ 'Cause you see it's falling ♪
♪ That's teaching me
♪ To be a little bolder
♪ So, hello queen And good-bye pawn ♪
♪ Da, da, da
♪ Gonna turn my cheek and shrug my shoulder ♪
♪ Da, da, da
♪ I'm gonna till I'm going home ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free to jump [ No Audible Dialogue ]
♪ I'm free to fall
♪ Free to let it roll away when I drop the ball ♪
♪ I'm not ashamed
♪ To break down and cry
♪ So come on, precaution
♪ Take a step aside
♪ 'Cause you see it's falling
♪ That's teaching me
♪ To fly ♪
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
Good-- Oh! Thank you. Thank you.
There she is.Come here, sweetie.
She was great today. She got a golden ticket, and back on track.
She was just tired the other day.Oh, good.
Yeah, it's good, so--Okay, thanks.
Bye.
[ Gasps, Laughs ] What are these for?
I'm breaking a cardinal rule. I never assume I'm gonna get a show before I get it.
You're gonna be in a show?Not for sure. I have an audition.
For what?But, thanks to you,
I really feel like I'm gonna get this show.
What? What's the show?Oh, it's just a little production called...
Fiddler on the Roof.[ Claps Hands ]
No.Yes.
They think you're Jewish?Yes.
I can't believe it.My agent called and says, "Can you be Jewish?"
And I said, "It's one of the things I do best."Oh, you're gonna get it.
I feel really prepared for it.When's the audition?
About an hour.You have to go.
I've gotta go, but I wanted to come by and say hi first.
Aw.I'm gonna see you later, right?
Call me.Mm-hmm.
Come over. Whatever.Whatever.
[ Both Laugh ]
- Good luck. - No, no, no.
You can't say good luck to an actor. You gotta say "break a leg."
- Break a leg! - I'll do my best.
♪♪ [ Folk Dance ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Oh.
I got the part.Oh! [ Laughs ]
Oh, congratulations.Thank you.
I-Is it okay to say congratulations to an actor?
Yes, could say congratulations.Oh, that is great news.
Thank you. [ Chuckles ]I have some big news too.
Oh, yeah? What's your news?
My parents are coming over.
They'll be here pretty soon. I was just getting ready.
Am-Am I allowed to be here?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd like you to be.
Great.
So what's your big news? What's my big news?
- We're engaged. - What?
Sorry.
Sarah, I take by "engaged" you mean...
that you and Dr. Steinberg are engaged? Uh--
I'm sorry. It just happened.
I-- We're on the phone,
and she's giving me the "you're not getting any younger" speech,
and I just blurted it out.
Well, I guess congratulations is in order.
When's the big date?
I promise you it won't go that far.
Oh. I've been trying to think ahead for a change.
What do you think about this--
Next week I'll announce that you have to go to a medical convention in San Francisco.
While there, you'll meet an old girlfriend...
who's now an OB-GYN at the Mayo Clinic.
You'll come back. We'll fight.
You'll move to Minnesota, send me a "dear Jane" letter,
and that'll be the end of David Steinberg.Uh-huh.
So fade out on Sarah and David,
but what about Sarah and Bob?
We can keep seeing each other.
I mean, do you want to?Very much.
So do I.
But we can't tell your parents?
Not right away. Okay?So we're right back to the beginning,
only this time with a shift in casting,
and I'm the odd man out.
I don't think I like that arrangement.
Just give me some time, okay?
[ Phone Ringing ]
Aren't you gonna get that?Let the machine answer it.
What if it's your mother?Then definitely let the machine answer it.
[ Recording ] Hi. It's Sarah. Please leave a message. [ Beeps ]
[ Chris ] Sarah, are you there?
Look, uh, I don't want to be a pest.
I know you're going through a difficult time right now,
and, uh, I want you to know that,
uh, I love you, and,
you know, I'm-I'm here.
I wish we could keep seeing each other. Uh--
So, anyway-- [ Chuckles ]
I'm here, and, uh,
I love you.
Okay, bye.
[ Beeps ]
You didn't tell him about us?
No.
I didn't want him to think that I broke up with him because of you.
- I don't want to hurt him. - Sarah, by the time this whole thing ends,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
[ Sighs ] I'm sorry I got you into this.
I'm not.
Look, why don't we introduce me--
the real me-- to your family?
I wish we could, but this monster I've created--
I don't know how to get around it. All right, look.
The problems you have with Chris--
Is exactly the same problem I have with you.
Sarah, in my own quiet way,
I've been falling in love with you.
You know that.
Yes.
All right. Okay.
Well, look, then. Okay?
I've been doing some thinking.What are you thinking?
Well, your family's crazy about me, you know.
They're crazy about Dr. Steinberg.
What's in a name?
Let's not forget what happened to Romeo and Juliet.
Romeo and Juliet concealed their love.
That was there mistake. Let's not do that.
I just need a little time, okay?
Over time I can break the whole thing to them gently.
How about that?
Well, look--
I don't want this to sound like a threat or an ultimatum or anything,
but... I'm not gonna do that.
That sounds like a threat and an ultimatum.
All right, I suppose it is.
What do you want me to do?Sarah--
Write this in ink. Chisel it in stone. Embroider it in a doily.
There's the truth, and then there's everything else.
I don't know.
Well--
An actor should never give up the chance to play a role,
but, uh,
I'm through with playing Dr. Steinberg.
Bob?Yeah--
That's my name. Robert Schroeder.
If you ever want to introduce your family to Robert Schroeder,
give me a call.
[ Moans ]
Bob-- [ Stammers ]
Bob? No, no, no.
No, my parents are coming over. They wanna take us out for a nice dinner.
You-You don't wanna miss that, do you?
You gonna tell 'em about us?Yes! Yes.
Uh, eventually I will.
Sarah--Bob,
I have messed up everything else in my life.
I don't want to mess this up.
You have become a part of my life.
You are already a part of my family.
I don't want to lose that.
Then tell them about us.
I don't want to hurt them.You don't want to hurt them?
You don't want to hurt Chris. You don't want to hurt me.
All you're doing is hurting yourself.
A man has got to stake his claim. It's what he's gotta do.
[ Sarah ] Well, maybe he had a medical emergency.
No, I used that one already.
Maybe he had to go to San Francisco.
No, I'm gonna have to use that one later.
Besides, why didn't I tell them he went to San Francisco...
if he already went to San Francisco?
Maybe he had a medical emergency inSan Francisco.
[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh. [ Groans ]
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Sarah. - Joel. What's going on?
Mom called. She says you're engaged.
Yup.
It's official. You're gaining a brother.
You, uh, wanna tell me what's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, I called Northwestern Memorial.
I spoke to Dr. David Steinberg.
Yeah.
Only he's 80 years old, and in orthopedics.
So what's going on?
Do you remember Chris?
Chris? Yeah.
I told everyone that I stopped seeing him, but I didn't.
I didn't stop seeing him.
I invented Dr. David Steinberg to tell Mother about...
so she would quit trying to fix me up all the time.
Dave--
Bob--
Bob is an actor...
I hired to play the part for you all.
So you made all of this up...
because you didn't like the guys that Mom was trying to fix you up with?
She wanted to see me with the perfect boyfriend.
I gave her the perfect boyfriend.
And you're still seeing Chris?
Well, no, actually. Not anymore.
So how long is this...
Bob thing going to go on?
Well, now it gets kind of complicated.
Oh, now it gets complicated.
Just let me handle it, all right?
Oh, you're gonna handle it? How are you gonna handle it?
I'm-- I'm working on it.
I don't suppose honesty has occurred to you as an option, has it?
Well, I can't tell them about Bob now,
any more than I could tell them about Chris.
Well, I don't see how--Bob isn't Jewish either.
He's not Jewish?
Not officially, no.
Well, no wonder I was confused.
I knew there was something phony about "Dr. Steinberg."
It just never occurred to me that everything was phony about Dr. Steinberg.
If Mom and Dad weren't so bent out of shape...
about me dating someone who isn't Jewish,
none of this would have happened.
Sarah, there are other issues here besides...
who you decide to date.
Please, don't-don't do that. Don't be a therapist.
- Do not start psychoanalyzing. - I'm not psychoanalyzing.
I-I will support you 100%.
Just tell me what it is that you want me to support.
Now, what is it that you want the most right now?
I-I-- I wanna be with Bob.
Okay.
Oh, I have your permission now? Thank you very much.
Why do you need someone's permission?
Because that's the way I was raised, okay?
We always have to be nice. Everything has to be nice.
God forbid somebody's feelings should be hurt.
What about your feelings?
I have no time to consider my feelings.
I spend my whole life worrying about their feelings.
- I just wanna live my own life. - So who's stopping you?
They are! They are?
- Yes. - Let me say one thing about that.
- Baloney! - I don't need this right now.
Look, Mom and Dad are Mom and Dad.
They're your parents. They're not gonna change.
If you want your relationship with them to be different,
you have to change it.But they won't let me.
Oh, well, then it's all their fault,
and you can blame them for all your problems.
Every day clients are sitting in my office,
going on and on about how their parents...
have screwed up their whole lives.Well, what do you say to them?
Get over it!
[ Doorbell Rings ]They're here.
- Are you gonna tell them? - Don't you tell them.
I'm not gonna tell them. Are you gonna tell them?
I swear, Joel. Don't you say anything.
I'm not gonna say anything. Open the door.
Sarah. Mazel tov!
Joel, you're here.
Apparently.
- You coming for dinner? - We'll see how it goes.
Sarah, we have so much to talk about.
Have you decided on a date?
Where do you want the wedding? Whatever you want. You decide.
Oy. This is gonna cost me.
Maybe not so much.
We have to get a hall, and we have to call a caterer.
You know, I wanna find out who catered the Silverman wedding,
because him I wouldn't call.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - Just a second.
I liked it when you said I was part of your family.
[ Sighs ] Thank you.
Welcome to the family.Thank you, Mr. Goldman.
Ahh. David, come here.
Mazel tov!Thank you.
Mom-- [ Clears Throat ] Dad,
there's something I have to tell you.I know. We have so much to plan.
No, there's something else that we have to talk about first.
Well, talk. Have you two decided on a date?
No. No. There's something that you have to know.
What is it? Whatever you want, we'll do.
No, I'm not-- I'm not talking about the wedding.
What are you talking about? What else is there to talk about besides the wedding?
Will you let me talk, and I'll tell you?Excuse me.
I know-- I know you're not gonna be happy about this.
Well, what is it?
The truth of the matter is that--
- David has to go to a medical convention in San Francisco. - Sarah.
- Sarah! - It's not worth it. Let's just do what we're gonna do.
What are you gonna do?We're getting married.
- You're not getting married. - You're not getting married?
We're not getting married the way you think we're getting married.
How many ways are there to get married?
We'll get married whatever way you want us to get married.
What are you talking about?That's what I was trying to tell you before.
Abe, what are they talking about?I don't know.
What areyou talking about?
[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh, now what?
What, you invited somebody else?No.
I don't know!
[ Gasps ]Sarah, may I speak to you for a second, please?
Th-This is not a good time.
I promise I will call you tomorrow.No.
You know what? I cannot put this off any longer.
Oh.
Forgive me for barging in.
Perhaps it's... good that you're all here anyway.
Sarah, there comes a time when a man needs to stake his claim.
Mr. Goldman, Mrs. Goldman,
I'm fully cognizant of the fact...
that you don't approve of me,
but I think if you got to know me better,
you'd discover that in spite of the fact that I work in advertising,
I'm a very decent human being, and I love your daughter very much.
And while it might be a source of conflict for her,
I believe she also loves me.
I wanna dedicate my life to making her happy,
and to provide for her in every way that I possibly can.
So with your permission, hopefully your blessing,
I would like to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage.
Who is this?
You remember Chris?Chris?
The man that I was seeing, who I told you I wasn't seeing anymore.
Ohh. Santa Claus.
It's an unfortunate sobriquet,
but I will not let it dissuade me from my purpose.
You didn't like him because he isn't Jewish.
[ Sighs ] Chris, I-- No.
I didn't not like him because he wasn't Jewish.
I didn't like him because he reminded me of my cousin Norman.
- Him I never liked. - Sarah?
Will you marry me? [ Bob ] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute. Excuse me. Sorry. Please.
You know, we're all very moved by your efforts here,
but we're here to discuss wedding plans for Sarah and me.
I just haven't done my part.
Sarah, when it's right, you know it.
Will you please marry me?
What?He already asked her.
Didn't you already ask her?
Abe, jump in.
Is this your boyfriend, or is this your boyfriend?
Well, that is yet to be determined, sir.
Sarah, you have two offers on the table.
- She's marrying David. - I'm not marrying David.
What, he's not good enough for you? No.
[ Miriam Gasps ]I mean yes. He's good enough.
- Well, then, it's settled. - It's not settled. Nothing is settled.
All right, look.
Th-This isn't easy to explain, so just bear with me on this.
Mom, Dad, this whole thing...
is because I care about how you two feel.
What are you talking about? What thing?
This thing. This whole thing here.
Abe, what is this thing?How do I know?
It's her thing. What is this thing?
This is-- This is Bob Schroeder.
After I told you that I had stopped seeing Chris,
I kept on seeing him,
and made up David...
to be my boyfriend.
Made up? What do you mean, made up?
I mean he doesn't exist.
There is no Dr. David Steinberg.
I made him up because I wanted you to think...
that I had a boyfriend that you would be happy about.
I--
I hired Bob...
to portray David--
To portray the boyfriend you thought I had.
Portray? Like an actor?
Exactly like an... actor.
[ Exhales ]Sarah,
how can you do such a thing?
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to hurt you.
So you make up a story? You lie? You don't lie to your parents.
- I did it to make you happy. - Lying makes us happy?
Well, you didn't seem crazy about the truth.
You want me to be happy, but I'm only supposed to be happy with what makes you happy.
I have to live my own life.
So whose life are you living, Sarah, mine?
Yes, in a way.Don't do me any favors.
Mr. Goldman, please. I'm partially responsible for what's going on here.
So I'm not really a doctor, and I'm not really Jewish.
You're not Jewish?
Abe, it's another lie.
Miriam, let's go.
Mrs. Goldman, please.
From Sarah and me, you and Mr. Goldman will have Jewish grandchildren,
not just because the mother's Jewish.
I'm prepared to convert.Oh, me too.
I was gonna say that earlier.We'll talk about it later.
It's all right. You live your own life.
You work out your own problems.
But if you'd listened to your mother and me,
you wouldn't have these problems.
Dad, you're not helping the situation. I'm helping.
Leaving is helping. [ Bob ] Mr. Goldman, please.
I don't stay anywhere I don't wanna stay.
- Will you just talk to me? - You don't lie to your parents.
I'm sorry.You wanna know about lying?
You lie to the guy who says you can't come into this country...
because you don't have a sponsor.
You lie to the man who says you can't go to his school...
because your name sounds funny.
And you lie to the kid that comes into your store,
puts a gun to your head and threatens to take your life away.
But, baby, you never, never, ever lie to your parents.
- Abe. - Daddy.
- I'm not staying. - Dad!
Abe.Daddy!
Oh, Abe.Dad!
You all right?Dad?
I'm all right. It's-It's nothing.Shh, shh, shh.
Mom?Call 911.
No, don't call 911.Yes, Sarah, call 911 now.
No, don't. I'm all right. It's nothing.
Joel, loosen his collar.What are we supposed to do?
You couldn't be a real doctor now, could you?
You're more doctor than I am.I'm a therapist.
Do you want me to ask him how he feels about being sick?
- They're on their way. - Don't call 911.
Just get him some water.I'll be all right.
What else can we do?Water.
Pop, is there anything else we can do for you?
Maybe you could all crowd in a little more,
so I don't get too much air.
[ Siren Blaring ]
What did the doctor say?
They want Dad to take it easy.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Is your father gonna be all right?
All things considered, it could be a lot worse.
They were able to rule out an M.I.
- A what? - Myocardial infarction.
Oh.
What's that?Come on, man.
I gave up my medical practice.It's a heart attack.
Um, they're gonna release him.
So I'm gonna take Mom and Dad home,
and I'll call you later.
I wanna talk to him.
I don't think he wants to talk to you right now.
All the more reason.
[ Chuckles ] I'll go see if he's ready.
[ Sighs ]
I'm so afraid of losing them.
Sarah, your dad's gonna be okay.
I look at my parents, and all I see are parents.
I've never seen them as two individuals,
as two people who I love and I care for...
so much.
[ Miriam ] Sarah?
Mom.
Are you all right?Yeah. I'm all right.
I'm all right.
[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ]
Sarah,
whatever we did to make you so unhappy,
we apologize.
You don't have to apologize.
I want you to treat me like an adult,
but I haven't been acting like one.
Whatever you want to do,
you do, okay?You know what I'd like to do?
What?I'd like for us to get to know each other.
We don't know each other? We talk on the phone every day.
We talk every day, but what do we talk about?
We talk like a mother and a child.
Mom, I wanna know about your life. [ Sniffles ]
And, Mom, there are things I could tell you about my life...
that you would not believe.
[ Sighs ]
How about having lunch with me tomorrow?
Ohh. I can't tomorrow.
I have to go to the cemetery.
It's yartzeitfor Papa.
May I go with you?No, you don't wanna go.
You don't wanna go.Yes, Mom.
I would. I would like to go.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
Abe, she needs to talk to you.
What do you want to talk about?
Dad, I love you.
Sometimes I've been so afraid of losing your love,
that I've acted stupidly...
and thoughtlessly,
and I didn't treat your love with the respect that it deserves.
You know, I sat here all night, thinking--
Thinking to myself, "What is the best way--
What is the best way to express my love for you?"
From now on,
I wanna be honest with you,
and I want you to be honest with me.
I'm honest.
Not always.
You didn't tell me about your being held up.
We didn't want to worry you.
Exactly. Exactly.
We're always so worried about having someone worry about us.
You can trust me, all right?
Let me decide whether or not I should worry,
and I promise--
I promise, Dad,
that I will let you know what is going on in my life.
[ Sobbing ]
What isgoing on in your life?
[ Laughs ]
Excuse me.
Chris--
[ Sniffles ]
Chris, you are the kindest,
sweetest man I have ever known.
You have given me more support...
and understanding than I deserve,
and I will always love you for that.
But I'm not gonna marry you.
I see. [ Clears Throat ]
Well, I'm gonna--
My stuff--
Mrs. Goldman.
Mr. Goldman. Joel.
You be good to her.Count on it.
Thank you.
[ Whispering ] Sarah.
Bob?
I'm not gonna marry you either.
Okay.
Not right now.
Okay.
I don't know why you came into my life at this particular time.
You called.
[ Laughs ]
I'm really glad I did.Me too.
And I would like you to be my official and...
very conspicuous boyfriend.
I can do that.
Mom, Dad, Joel--
I'd like you to meet my boyfriend.
This is Bob Schroeder.Hi.
- Schroeder? - It's not. I checked.
Well,
if you'll excuse me, I'll get going.
- Abe? - David?
- Bob. - Whatever.
- From acting you make a living? - Sometimes.
Oy.[ Laughs ]
- Are you out of town a lot? - Not if I have a reason to stay home.
Is there anything we've heard about you that is true?
Yes. Two things.
- I really love the opera-- - Ohh.
and I really love Sarah.
- Come home with us. - Thank you.
Let's go home.
So, bubbe,what kind of acting do you do?
Oh, you know, whatever comes up-- Stage, screen.
Are you in anything right now?
Not right now, but I got a production coming up.
I just got cast in Fiddler on the Roof.Ooh! [ Laughs ]
I love Fiddler on the Roof.
That's a good show.What part are you playing?
Perchik. The student.You're playing a Jew?
[ Joel ] Who'd believe that?Right.
Maybe you could get us a couple of tickets.
Mother.What? We'll pay for them.
I can get you guys some tickets.
Last time we saw Fiddler was at the old Candlelight Theater.
It was the Drury Lane.
It was the old Candlelight Theater.We saw Fiddler...
at the Drury Lane.I don't think it was the Drury Lane.
We saw My Fair Lady at the Candlelight,
we saw Guys and Dolls at the Garden,
and we saw Fiddler at the Drury Lane.
We saw Cats at the Drury Lane.
You don't know what you're talking about.